Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Pursuit in Selflessness
Like an only child I am into self evaluation which is probably a form of narcissism. This can make for an exhausting day. It's funny, and a bit ironic, that the more time a person spends thinking about themselves the more miserable they become. I always try to remember this when I am feeling melancholy- that it means I'm spending too much time dwelling on myself.
The other day at work, I was in the midst of a self loathing funk. As I was plodding along towards the coffee machine, I was asked into a patients room to assist another nurse in repositioning a patient. I walked into the room and saw a face mirroring an age close to my own. His mouth was open, allowing the drool to slide down his chin; his body was contracted and was leaning towards his left side. This is not an uncommon positions to see patients in, especially in the ICU, but it's usually seen in older patients with a neurological defect. This patient was only 28 years old and had been this way all of his life. Needless to say, my gloom turned into guilt- guilt about being healthy and guilt about being so self centered.
I try to catch myself when I notice I'm falling into an egomaniacal vacuum, but while doing so I trip up by obsessing about why it's so difficult for me to maintain a selfless perspective.
I looked at this boy as his eyes blinked and occasionally shifted direction; as I thought of his unfortunate situation I couldn't help but compare my life to his. His was a life that had been given over to the state by his parents; he is from a State School. I'm not sure what is meant by this. Are they teaching him anything? Is he learning? I think it is, more or less, a term used to describe a nursing home for patients who are not elder. Children who don't make the cut in life and whose parents aren't able to take on the burden.
My life has consisted of exploration and driven by my own aspirations. What are his? Is his life fulfilled in his imagination? Does the imagination compensate for what is lost in these circumstances? What is an imagination to a life that is not fully lived? Is he miserable because all he has is his own thoughts to which he is locked in or is he completely catatonic and ignorant to even think anything? It is so sad. How can I even begin to complain about being at work when I have a healthy mind and body?
Because my body healthy, I'm able to enjoy this beautiful day.
Because my mind is healthy, I'm able to pursue my endeavors.
The reality that it takes another persons misfortunes to appreciate what you have is an upsetting truth. The Bible says in Galatians 6:5-Do not compare yourself to others for each man will bear his own burden.
Why, then, are some more burdened than others? The old adage life is not fair is learned in childhood when your mother doesn't let you eat ice cream for dinner, but it is made into a profound truth when as an adult you realize the real meaning of the childhood proverb.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Not Always on Time
I am writing this with urgency because I have to leave for work in less then an hour, and being that I thought it was yesterday, I didn't realize this was due today (today meaning Oct. 10 2009). My anxiety about this, coupled with the big cup of coffee I just guzzled, has given me shaky hands and a palpating heart. What good is all the anxiousness? What, in the grand sense if things, does it matter if I don't get an A in this class; I should really be more concerned with what I have learned opposed to what letter grade I made. Does one reflect the other? Maybe, but maybe not. If I had not taken this class then I wouldn't have learned anything, which would qualify as an F, not actually or concretely because I wouldn't have been in the class to begin with, but intellectually. Regardless of what I make in this class, I am a more educated person because of it. Focusing on a letter grade, instead of focusing on what you are comprehending and how you can apply it to life, is shallow.
Phew...I might be rationalizing unacceptable behavior, but I needed to give myself a pep talk so that I could persevere. I don't want to be the one always late in life, I've always heard that it's a form of passive aggression and I don't like the idea of being an aggressive person. Thanks for listening to my ramblings. I feel slightly more centered and a little less late.
